I am doing some crisis counseling with a Gestalt therapist who is a professor here at Holy Apostles. He asked me what my greatest fear was. I told him that, I think my greatest fear because I am a twin, is being alone. (I am an unidentical twin with my sister and I am the mother of identical twin daughters). So, if anyone seems to reject me in the slightest, I go into an anxiety attack because I equate rejection with abandonment, and abandonment with being alone, and alone with going insane. During the week after the session where this all came up, I suddenly got this ravenous craving for silence and solitude – just to be with Jesus. I think this was a huge grace. My daughter, Carla, has been diagnosed with lymphoma. She is 50 years old and has 3 children still at home. She is very scared and so are all of us. Since she has her twin-sister visiting and 3 more family members coming in the next few weeks I haven’t planned a trip for now to be with her, but I feel awful that she is suffering and I am not right next to her to hold her and try to console her and lay hands over her for healing. Readers of Ronda-View, please pray for her. She has had the anointing of the sick, but she is not a practicing Catholic at this point. I woke up from a nap with this image: I am remembering from maybe 35 years ago a play called Blood Knot. It was about male twins in South Africa. One was subservient to the colonial powers, the other a rebel, if I recall correctly. The image that they were tied together with a blood knot stuck in my psyche and it reappeared when I made my dedicated widow consecration as an image of my heart tied to the Sacred Heart of Jesus. Now, after all these years, anxious about my daughter Carla’s lymphoma diagnosis, I woke after a nap with the image of she and I tied with a blood knot such that even if I am not there with her, everything she is going through is happening within me at the same time because we are tied in a blood knot.
1 Comment
8/12/2017 06:45:29 am
Everyone has a fear of being alone. No one wants to age being all by himself, living a mundane life. But as much as we can, let's try to overcome that fear because it will not help us in the long run. The anxiety it gives would be intolerable if you let your fear eat you. Think of yourself as someone who can overpower a certain fear. Because that's how we are, that's how we should be.
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