To picture Carla, she is wearing a bright fuschia silk nightgown, with either a casual looking brown wig or a black silk cap that looks like a flapper would wear, with a rosary around her neck. Her eyes are just like the eyes of Jesus in the painting of Ajemian. She is doing air-brush make-up which lasts 3 days.
Christ is more present in this house than before (her lymphoma was diagnosed). You have to shape your eyes to see correctly and then you can see what Christ wants you to do – like special glasses. Without the glasses it’s just a pile of sand, but with them, the glittery pieces stick out.
Praying more in situations, I find that lots of good is happening that is not anticipated. The hard part of cancer (or any bad illness) is watching others who love you suffer. The glitter in the sand is seeing what the others do well vs. being upset with what they don’t do well. Christ’s answer is there.
More and more you see the shadow of the self you are going to be and more and more you can see if you want to be that person. I have choices. This is now a unique opportunity of pre-shadowing. You have a shadow behind you, but sometimes you can see a shadow in front of you. About this you have a chance to make some choices.
Now with this innocent, flowerlike face, I am back to how I looked at 14 before I tried to look sexy. Now I am more, again, like the poet girl. It is a little game I am playing.
I have great fear that with so much medicine I will not be able to work. To work helps me. My boss (she does computer work for an educational company, designing courses) is solidly behind me. He gave me an advance. (He felt bad that the company hadn’t been able to provide health insurance).
(Diana, her identical twin, is here visiting to help). On the psychology of twins: As little girls, identical twins (typically) get a bag of cheese puffs. One holds the bag; the other one selects two puffs and puts them in the hand of the other. Everything has to be divied up and shared. We make room for the qualities of the other, because then we can share. The joy of being a twin is complete sharing.
I, Ronda, thought of the passage recently in the liturgy of the conversion of St. Paul and Jesus telling the convert to go to Saul even though he knew him to be the persecutor.
You get an impulse toward an action; like a command. You hear this thing that says “do this” that doesn’t make sense, but you obey. What gets in our way is so much scrupulosity.
When we try to solve problems in a human way, we are full of self-justifications, whereas Christ can do something different. I am asking Christ, the real Christ, to reach all those I love, the way he is reaching me. I wanted to think it would be enough to have cancer and face these issues, and not have other problems with people. But I don’t have a choice if I want the real persons.